One of my favorite scenes from Hamilton is “Satisfied.” I identified immediately with Angelica Schuyler’s role as the eldest sister carrying the weight of the family’s expectations. In case you’re unfamiliar, she is instantly attracted to Alexander Hamilton and falls in love with him. However, in deference to her younger sister’s love for him and the cultural expectation that she secure a wealthy husband, she decides not to pursue him.
The song takes a peek into her thoughts as she gives the maid of honor toast at their wedding. “May you always be satisfied…” she sings to them from her heart, though unspoken is "I know I never will be after this”. It's with this in mind that I openly acknowledge that in some ways, I will also never be satisfied. I will circle back to this point towards the end.
My marriage has some profoundly unhealthy dynamics. I hesitate to use the word “toxic” because it’s become a word that’s thrown around to describe anything or anyone who makes you feel even mildly uncomfortable. When I use this word, it is meant to describe something unhelpful, harmful, or destructive. It’s not an easy thing to admit to yourself. I took several hard looks at my life and was forced to admit that one of my core relationships had become unquestionably toxic. This didn’t happen overnight or last year or even a decade ago. The seeds were there from the very beginning if I choose to be completely honest with myself, which I almost always do. My hope is that working out this inner dialogue on this platform might help other couples who are wrestling through similar issues. It can’t be that my writing gift is meant solely to help me self-soothe. And so, here goes…
Relationships do not exist in a vacuum. If toxic dynamics exist, it’s because both parties involved contributed, knowingly or unknowingly, to this dynamic. I’m not here to point fingers at my spouse. He gets plenty of that offline. I’m here to acknowledge where things are and the part I played in getting them there. Love is hard and I won’t pretend that I’m a particularly easy person to love. When you no longer believe the best in each other or harbor much hope that the intimacy in your relationship will be restored, it’s an indication that things are deeply disordered on a foundational level. Hiding it becomes pointless. Also, I’m terrible at keeping up appearances anyway.
The following are a list of hard truths that I have assembled about our relationship that I don’t know how to articulate apart from in writing:
1) One of the songs I chose for our wedding procession was indicative of a much deeper problem within me. "You’re the other half that makes me whole" croons Amel Larrieux in her breathtaking soprano voice. It’s a gorgeous song to listen to but the concept is deeply flawed. At the time, I was a deeply broken person who had only experienced Jesus beyond attending church regularly for a few years. I didn’t know that the traumas and brokenness within me would take DECADES to come to terms with. I had no idea the many, many heartaches that were in store for me personally and that would test our marriage over and over again. I honestly believed I needed to be married in order to live a complete life. I didn’t trust GOD to solely satisfy the deep longings of my heart as an individual. This was an impossible expectation I placed at the feet of my husband for many years.
2) As implied above, I had deeply unfair expectations of my husband. I managed to expect too much and too little of him at the same time. I expected him to understand certain unwritten rules of relationships and got frustrated that he just didn’t get it. At the same time, there were certain problematic attitudes and sentiments that he expressed from the very beginning that I chose to disregard or downplay. He told me without using precise language that he was not a pursuer, that he would always be on guard against perceived manipulation by the woman in his life, and that certain strongholds in his heart had not been dealt with. I chose self-deception rather contending with the reality of what this might mean if we got married.
3) I really have no idea what a healthy marriage is supposed to function like. I wasn't raised within a healthy marital dynamic and my goal in life as a kid was to never get married at all or to do the opposite of whatever it was, I saw my parents do wrong. Neither one of those things are a particularly healthy resolve to bring into a marriage. I know what I have been taught and I can quote many scripture references that talk about the way husbands and wives should interact in marriage. But none of that means I know how to apply or execute well in a marital relationship.
4) Motherhood was an idol for me for a long time. The idea that I might never be able to have biological children wrecked me and wrecked my faith for a time. There are things I said and did to my husband in the midst of my grief that have likely done irreparable damage to our relationship. The reality is that being a parent is far more difficult than I anticipated. And while I will never say that I regret my children, I can say that I would have been a terrible parent in my younger years. And now, having gained more clarity regarding my call to the ministry of health and healing, I can see how a single life would lend itself more fully to this end. I can see myself, in an alternate timeline living happily as a nun, a peace corps worker, or a missionary. But GOD chose to honor my desperate requests to be married and have children, in spite of the fact that I had no idea what I was actually asking for. And so, these gifts to my life, who don't always feel like gifts, are part of how GOD is conforming me to the image of His son. I believe that If I can love them faithfully, then He will somehow multiply within me the capacity, stamina, and resources to serve as a physician healer as He opens doors, windows, and hidden passages in walls for me to do so.
5) Becoming a parent has challenged the ways in which I am most resistant to change. I frequently find myself in crowded, noisy, bright places I would otherwise avoid--children's museums, monster truck rallies, bowling alleys, trampoline parks. Having an extremely extroverted child who regards strangers as friends she hasn’t met yet frequently obligates me to finish conversations that she starts. My desire for more has largely been curbed by parenthood as well. I had much bigger career and financial aspirations. I think GOD used my children to show me how to be content with less and planted the seeds for me to begin to crave a quiet, simple life.
6) I think I’m a pretty good mom with the support of my children’s father. But I would never have knowingly pursued single parenthood. I don’t understand little boy brains and my husband is naturally patient with our daughter's neurodivergent traits in ways that I continue to struggle. The degree to which I can be a good mom is directly tied to the support of my husband. So, no matter how bitter or angry I get towards him at times, our life simply doesn’t work without him.
This is already far too long. I will complete my list next post.
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