“I guess its message is more important than its circumstance…” -Cynthia Erivo
As promised, here is the remainder of my list of complicated marital truths:
7) In my darkest moments, I have regretted ever getting married. I wonder if the price that people pay for loving me is becoming some distorted version of themselves that I ultimately find increasingly difficult to keep loving. But more importantly, I recognize the deeply entrenched narrative that I invented to explain away the things about my husband that puzzled or troubled me. He has been telling me who he is this entire time but I refused to believe him. I can't fault him for that.
But even in light of these devastating realizations, there are still too many wonderful outcomes tied to the singular event of our marriage that I can’t truthfully say that I regret. And extricating myself from a life to which I have been intimately tied for nearly twenty years is no simple feat. His departed sister is more of a sister to me than my living blood relative sister. His parents are dear to me in ways I can’t even begin to explain. For better or for worse, we are bound to each other until one of us dies--a divorce decree won’t change that and it won’t negate the vows we took before GOD.
8) We started our marriage living apart and it was one of the happiest times I can recall in our relationship. Granted, we were in our honeymoon phase. But I do wonder if the physical separation wasn’t somehow good for us. I think it’s telling that we both seem to flourish living somewhat independently of one another even while coexisting under the same roof. If I’m being honest, I recognize traits in both of us that would have suited us well for lifelong bachelorhood and bachelorettehood. When we met, we were both over traditional dating and only entertaining serious marital prospects. We probably skipped some important steps along the way.
He hadn't seriously dated before me, not because he was undesirable, but because he had already reasoned himself out of pursuing several relationships. I'm still not sure how he was able to reason himself into a relationship with me, let alone marriage. I found the act of having to pursue a guy for a change challenging and fun. I knew I would never have to worry about certain things that many other women worried about--a guy obsessed with sports, hanging out with rowdy friends, abusing substances, not taking care of his kids, womanizing, etc. After a few years though, it grew tiresome and it became far easier to let him be and more or less do my own thing. I kept telling myself that he would come around eventually even though deep down inside I knew that wasn't likely to be the case. Dolly Parton has attributed, in part, the longevity of her marriage to spending long stretches of time apart while she toured. I’m just wondering if part of our struggle is trying to pigeon-hole our marriage into a mold that simply doesn’t fit us. Or, is it possible that we both missed GOD on this one and he worked it out for the good of many--our families, our children, our church communities, our friends--in spite of the many ways we continue to fail each other?
9) I have more joy and peace in my heart than I have in years in spite of what is going on in my personal life. I would never write such a corny sentence if it weren’t true. My joy is no longer dependent on the fate of my marriage, the fate of my children's lives, or my professional success. The past few years of my life have involved a radical shift in the way I view all that is most dear to me. I have truly given it over (at least as much as I can) to the much more capable hands of Christ. This is why I have no problem admitting that I might not be the wife my husband wants or needs right now--but by the grace of GOD, He can enable me to be. Heaven forbid, if the worst happens, I will be ok. My husband will be ok, our children will be ok, and our extended families will be ok. GOD has preserved me through many worst-case scenarios so there is truly no outcome that I fear. Sickness, loss, betrayal, tragedy, estrangement from family members, mental health challenges, disillusionment with career, disenchantment with one's country--been there and currently still living out most of that! Death would be an incredible victory over all of it. Losing my marriage in the midst of all of this would come as no surprise at this point.
10) I am not Western society's widely accepted definition of physical beauty. I have had a bald, scarred scalp for over 20 years that I have only come to terms with within the past few years. I went from a chubby teen to a fitness-obsessed young adult. Two pregnancies, three surgeries, and a host of chronic illnesses distorted my body into something beyond recognition. Over the past several months, I have shed more than 30 lbs. Aerial acrobatics has become more than just exercise, but an integral part of managing my chronic pain, keeping my mental health demons at bay, an outlet for my long-suppressed artistic expression, and a way to challenge my mind and body to do incredibly hard things. I have clawed my way back to a healthier body, but I have the stretch marks, keloid scars, and irregularities in my contour to prove that it will never be the same. The many struggles I have endured within this hunk of flesh have caused me to become more self-protective than ever. I'm not used to seeing myself in this light and while it's a very good light, it's left me feeling exposed and vulnerable (I'm borrowing heavily from the Mona Lisa song in the video below). I’m still getting to know this renewed version of my physical self and my spouse is even less familiar with it.
I know that I am treasured by GOD and it keeps me going. But, from my perspective, I have rarely felt strong, consistent attraction and desire from my husband throughout the course of our marriage. NOT A DIG. Just sharing my honest perspective as his wife. I know that this has never been intentional on his part and that he has tried to be part of the solution to healing my fragile psyche while contending with his own. I recognize some of the strides he has made towards appreciating me more as a physical being but some of it feels too little, too…ya know…late...
When we first got married, I wielded my body like a tool at him because that was what I was accustomed to doing in my previous relationships. That wasn’t evidence of self-confidence, and it didn’t work on him anyway. Now I am no longer ruled by my sexual appetite and the crippling need for external validation about my appearance. That doesn’t mean I never want it. But it does mean that I’m no longer willing to put myself out there emotionally for someone who still seems to (at least subconsciously) expect that his wife will drive the sexual pulse of their relationship.
My drive has at times been blunted by illness, pregnancy, post-partum hormones, and physical exhaustion, but I have almost never outright turned him down. To expect a person who has endured countless physical and psychological trials to get to the other side of it with unmarred self-confidence and a voracious sexual appetite is just...I don't know...why don't you fill in the blank? Mild gestures of affection and occasional flirtation don’t cancel out years of feeling physically inconsequential to your spouse. What goes unsaid and un-demonstrated day after day and year after year can sometimes take much longer to get past than the things that are said and done. And so, we are at a stalemate, I’m afraid. But, I can finally say this without needing anyone outside of myself and my Creator to affirm this, “I am beautiful, yes, I’m beautiful…and I am HERE!”
11) Finally, I think in deciding to marry each other, my husband and I unknowingly chose to spend our lives contending with the many ways we instinctively fan the other's inner flames of internal dissatisfaction. He once described us as diametrically aligned. Somehow, think this can be worse than being diametrically opposed. And perhaps that’s the case to some degree in all marriages, but I can see the ways in which I grossly miscalculated and misjudged so many things along the way. I have certainly been cured of any romantic notions I once had about marriage as a result.
But had I chosen to remain single, I would have lingering regrets. If we had stopped trying for children, I would have had lingering regrets. Without being my husband’s wife and my children’s mother, I would not be the person I am today, and the world would have been deprived of the incredible gift of our offspring. I love being a physician but sometimes I hate it and regret not having had the courage to pursue a writing career. But I wouldn't be the writer that I am without the experiences of my medical career to write about. All of these things are inextricably linked so there is little point in attempting to disentangle them for simplicity's sake. There simply is nothing simple about any of it!
It’s not about wanting a do-over. It’s about holding all of the hard, heavy, conflicting truths together in your overburdened arms and just sitting with the reality it presents to you--no easy solutions, no convenient platitudes, no happily ever after--just radical acceptance of all the sourness and sweetness of life. If I spend too much time closely examining the products of my decisions, then the dissatisfaction only grows. But with my eyes on Jesus and my heart resting firmly in His hands--to have and to hold and protect as long as I live and beyond--then fullness of joy, that elusive sense of satisfaction becomes my new reality.
What does any of this mean for my marriage? I have no idea. Like that incredible song says, “Got my hands doing good like they ‘sposed to. Showing my heart to the folks that I’m close to.” I just keep showing up.
Stay Thoughtful.
-Jayma Anne
P.S. If I'm writing, then I'm ok.
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